Dawn magic

I woke up today at 4am, and I relived why I love waking up at daybreak.

Sky's pitch black, and everything is still. It's stormy in south Thailand now, but waking up in the stillness gave me that feeling of being in a cocoon.

I like waking up before everyone else because it lets me be with myself. I remember thinking this morning, "This is bliss." My creativity and concentration is at its finest before the first hint of sunlight, and I feel I can do anything.

Pag kasi gising na lahat ng tao, nakakaasar na magtrabaho.

In the stillness, I can think. In the quiet, I can concentrate. There is a hum of well-being, and I feel all is right with the world. I can write, I can think straight, I can hear my heart speak what it truly wants to do--and that is doing what it wants without being disturbed or interrupted.

Pero pagsikat ng araw, at paggising ng mga kapitbahay, wala na. Magulo ang mga tao e; andaming demands sa oras. Their very presence rattles me.

Pag may araw na, the magic is gone. Pakiramdam ko laging may nakamasid; hindi ako mapalagay. Hindi ako makakilos ng gusto ko. Laging pigil-hininga. Constrained. I dread the day kasi naiisip ko, "emails na naman; people na naman; computer na naman!"

This should not be the case. Hindi ako dapat mabuhay ng ganito. Kailangang may magbago.

But in the meantime, I am glad to just have relived that moment of peace and calm. Happy ako to feel like I used to when I still woke up before daybreak. I should do it more often.

Maybe one day, when I get my own place with a view of the sea.

Post-prawn fried rice moments (Ode to Nay Juliet of LaCo 93)

Mahirap palang maging masaya.

Kapag pala pinili mo ang landas ng Pagiging Masaya, dudumugin ka ng mga tao ("Hayup!"), bagay, at pangyayari na pilit maglalayo sa'yo sa landas na pinili mo.

Trust me. I know.

Today was a long day, and as much as I am tempted to say that today is the "longest, hardest day" of my life, I won't label today as such. Because honestly, I've had worse. Particularly on certain days during my 24th, 26th, and 28th years. Now, I'm no numerologist or superstition fanatic--but I'm starting to believe that my even-number years are my most unbearable ones. Anyway, I'm digressing.

Back to today. I've never felt so drained and so spent, and so emotionally distraught. Today I have encountered the most combative, abrasive, and condescending moments I have ever received in my professional career. Thank goodness I have a great God who reminds me about what is truly important. And, I am fortunate to have a sense of humor ("I am Jack Sparrow!"), and a dedicated quest to follow the path of happiness.

Simple lang ang gusto ko. Ayoko ng drama, ayoko ng mga mala-divang eksena. Ang gusto ko, umuwi ng bahay pagkatapos ng trabaho, at hindi mag-isip ng tungkol sa trabaho. Gusto ko, walang homework. Ayoko ring magkaroon ng kulubot sa mukha; lalong ayoko ng puting buhok bago ako tumanda!

Hindi worth it ang maglaan ng halos kalahati ng buhay ko sa isang trabaho na ikamamatay ko.

Kaya nga pinili kong maging masaya. Pinipili ko ito araw-araw, kahit mahirap, kahit nakakaloka. Kahit pa isipan ng iba na ako'y medyo kakaiba. Pinipili kong maging masaya.

Pero, mind you, mahirap maging masaya.

NB: Masaya in Filipino means "Happy". Maging masaya means "to be happy". Mahirap means "difficult". When I was having a hard time growing up as an adolescent, and happiness seemed so far away, my favorite freshman high school teacher would always end her Reflectionaire (personal journal) notes with "Be happy!" She always told me this long after I left high school. Love you Nay Juliet...I miss your guiding presence so much! As I pass through this most difficult time, I remember you, and how you kept telling us to "Wag yung pangit ang tingnan, wag yung kulang" (Don't dwell on the ugly, don't dwell on the loss). Nay, thank you so much for giving me the foundation to be strong. God bless you. Be happy!

Attending adult kindy

I just discovered that the fitness club is the adult form of kindergarten.

I recently availed of my office's staff development program and signed up for group exercises in the local health club. I like the whole routine of one hour after work, running and walking on the treadmill or doing regular stretches. I even tried Zumba! and discovered my inner diva (makes me miss my bakla days back home!) Today, I joined a circuit training class called 'Lose It!'. I thought it was a serious cardio-aerobics class, but to my surprise, it was playtime with grown-ups.

"Okay! Welcome to Lose It! Today, we run! Run! Jog! March! That's right, lift your feet! Yey!"

We were three full grown people, and we were jumping, hopping, skipping and running. We even tossed light purple balls around. It seemed like foolish, childlike play time during recess, but wow! What a work out!

I relished the idea that grown ups get to be kids again in posh fitness clubs, and I already signed up for the next class.